i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
