New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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