No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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