I hate your face
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
