Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
