I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
