3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
