I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
