Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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