GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
