if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
