Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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