When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
