I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
pray to the hookup gods
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
