I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
