Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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