i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
