I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
