They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize