Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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