He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
