I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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