two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
