my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
