u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize