im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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