I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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