I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
