You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
