we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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