I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
