there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
