What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
