my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize