I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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