He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
