I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
