i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
