I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
