No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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