took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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