I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize