The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
