That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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