I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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