You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
