Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
