How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
