woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize