Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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