i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
