I am puke
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
