I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
