I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
