Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
