You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
