Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
