I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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