90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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