I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
